:)

Merry Christmas Eve one and all :)!!

<3

The End-poem

I will never leave you

Know that—

When you’re facing the light, or the darkness, or the abyss—whatever describes
the other side
in your tangible dreams

Remember at that fragile moment
when Nature’s too big to fathom
and She drowns you in sensory overload

You’ll feel my hand on your heart,
my voice vibrate on your skin
you’ll see my eyes when you close your own

You’ll know

Your mind will carry the key to our
Immortality

and despite all Her fury,
Nature will revere this bond,
step aside,
and lay the path for us to embark on
together,
forever—

At least that’s what keeps my
heart beating
on this plane of human confusion
when I see the tidal wave threatening its
wrath—

I believe you’re waiting for
me, too

War--poem

I shot the words—
deflect them if you wish
but you can’t deny the point de facto
I hold the Trump to blast this memory to
holy dust

Your lips hold the ammunition with the kryptonite ability
to collapse me onto the Egyptian cotton battlefield
where we waged countless wars before

I can see you’re unsettled, agitated, and ready
my eyes try to penetrate your shield of false affection—
I know I’ve succeeded once you’re on your
back
but the fall is so long, we’d be fighting forever

so take it out on me
get back at me
avenge the violation

I stripped your armour,
threw it out with stale memories
of all the times we sat and bitched with no substance in
between

I’m standing, you’re struggling—it’s the most we’ve done
in relationship-ages

Take it out on me
because I can finally take it
and turn it on you
to teach you what I’m made of—
and not what you want me to be.

Pyramid

I'm trying to find you in other people, other places than from where I see you.

I still don't know why you put us through this.

I miss you.

Self-therapy: "Into the woods"

Sometimes, my mind is my enemy and tormentor. It won't translate my sensations, thoughts, memories, emotions into words that flow like Appleton Jamaican rum. That's my favourite rum: smoother and more potent than any pirate can muster. See? This is silly. I want to write something deep--something complicated and intricate to reflect all the f***ed up things going on in this cranium. I feel things wildly, obsessively, then when I try to transcribe these things to paper (or screen..) it seems pointless or petty. But, not many people read this anyway, so this seems like a decent space to vent--no shrink's couch required.

I'm frustrated with the notion that you can miss what was and more infuriatingly, what could have been. I've been told not to think "what if." It can be dangerous. You can fixate on something that will never be--or will never likely be. Yet, the curiosity still burns and prods at you constantly. I miss what could have been. The longing makes me angry. But I know I'll let go. Ever feel this way? Stuck on something, and just wanting to release? When does that precious moment happen, when desire becomes action? When the weight is off your shoulders finally after trying to hurl it off?

How much can you actually protect yourself? I have a gift for diving into things and making associations with corny things like songs, jokes, tv shows...etc... etc... blah blah blah. It's amazing how things can become tainted so quickly and drastically. Once you practice the art of possessing those songs, jokes, tv shows as yours in the end, you can dissociate things you enjoy with the memory (i.e. person) you don't enjoy quite as much anymore.

This sounds like a bad country song.

I believe a recent diasppointment hit me harder than expected because of everything else going on. You know how life can snowball, taking you down with it and toss you into a firepit mercilessly? Yeah. There have been some fantastic things happening, too, do NOT get me wrong. My life is pretty great. I'm just disappointed in a few things.

That aside, back to this journey through the thicket of my mind.

I don't know why I torture myself. I look for clues, signs in the trail and evidence of what was between an "us"--me and someone else--to understand what went wrong or if it was ever "right" at all. This time, I honestly feel like things shouldn't have ended this way. Then again, if you're a fatalist, then everything happens for a reason, n'est-ce pas? I believe in that for most things. My life is too weird and peculiar to not believe it a lot of the time. Yet, I want to understand why things played out as they did--why certain things in my life just aren't functioning the way I want them to.

My health and my (figurative) heart are below par at the moment. And have been for some time. Things'll get better--they always do. That's one vital lesson I've learned in this messed up thing called la vie. Thank God, right? But someone please educate me as to why things aren't plugging along smoother than they currently are, and why when I finally start to really let my heart get into something, it sublimates into vapour?

Thanks, Universe. I know you'll return the favour some day.

Until then, I've got my girlfriends, writing, chocolate, dancing, and a night out tomorrow night that I'm greatly looking forward to.

Thanks for..."listening." I hope this'll help me move on. Writing usually does. Onto other things for the day...

Sensory--poem

I heard your voice through the crowd
I could have sworn it was you, and tried matching it to the figure
whose back infuriatingly wouldn’t turn to reveal
your smile beaming at me

I saw you from a distance—and felt the fluttering nervosa
forcing my heart to beat faster, to ascend to my throat
my breath ceased and quickened all the while—
you’re the alchemist of chaos mixed with sweet serenity

I tasted you on my lips, licking them once I felt the melting
snowflakes floating tantalizingly from the heavens
descending to a plane
where weaker creatures roam

I breathed you in while we swam through bed-sheets
counting the threads to stall and keep you there
falling prisoner to you
with every time I inhaled your spell

I felt you tonight,
last night and likely every night—
I can’t tell when you began and I ended
except when your hands pulled away from my skin

I heard you—though it was only the wind
I saw you—though it was your shadow
I tasted you—though it was saccharine love
I breathed you in—though it was the perfume of Winter’s arrival
I felt you all over me—though it was my cruel neurons’ trickery

I knew you, and not at all,
for you left before you came,
shut me away before embracing me
all with the finality of a few broken words

And despite this assault on my weakened links to reality,
my heart’s still beating fast,

My heart’s beating still.

Dear Life,

Get with the program.

Cut me a break, please?

Thanks,

Ashley.

Ghost-poem

I thought you left me
I thought I could move on
I thought the moon could shine
even on the darkest of nights—
even when the sun never seemed to make an appearance

I thought you left
then I felt your hand on my neck,
squeezing the air from my lungs
squeezing the life from my soul into a bottle
of regret
that you tossed out to sea
for me to find

I thought you left—
you and your poison,
you with your death
and numbing embrace

I thought you left,
until I glanced into a mirror, and
saw you staring back at me—
from these eyes that shine
no more

Candida Chronicles: last day

well, it's the last day of a diet that didn't really do much of anything. yay.

Afraid-poem

I’m afraid to cry
(someone might see)
I’m afraid to laugh
(someone might hear)
I’m afraid to scream
(someone might run)
I’m afraid to fear
(someone might console)
I’m afraid to be
(someone might notice me
in all of my selfish glory
in doing this thing called
living)

Demolition

Demolition

I can’t feel through this darkness anymore
I’m working through a dream with no light
in a tunnel-envisioned life
full of wondering what will be
and every other cliché that could plague
my imagination

you’re not my friend—and I do not wish
that the chains binding you to me are a friendship-shade of grey
I want you in my veins—to paint my vision red with the blood
that should pound through the shackles binding me to you

if you kissed me
I’d submit
if I kissed you
you’d throw away the key

at least I hope you would

but all these “if’s” don’t light the way
they give false hope of foresight
in a life poisoned with what was

play me the music of your heart
the beating plays me to a reverie,
guiding me through the abyss of now
with the echo of your presence
making my hair stand up

Do you feel like making a fire—
so I at least can see your calculations?
is my libido flammable to you—
have you been stealing the oxygen from my life
to douse me, forcing me
in this darkness of your indifference and visible absence?

the sun won’t shine again unless
I grow some wings and fly northward—
believe enough in the legendary strength
in this composure of mine
to shatter the ceiling you constructed with your
stone and cement blending all your tales
into a how-to manual on burying
hope

you lied to me with a key, a kiss
an embrace at 2 am that felt like business
at 5
no key means no lock means no blood
to share in the sacrament of voluntary
two-way
enslavement

what a show, what a dream

here’s the moment—
I stole from your agenda
to take a chance and begin my ascent,
phoenix my way out of your ashen world
and reunite with—

there it is, the answer to the question of what the hell
were we doing, losing you and I in the
telescope of what could be
while we couldn’t agree—

the answer’s in the way it ended,
for you know what they say about tunnels

Candida Chronicles: Day 23 ish

I'm almost there....Sunday is my last day. I've been a bit bad with having soy milk and NSA chocolate (without dairy in it, though).

I'm a bit (ok more than a bit) peeved that I'm not feeling well yet. I have my good days, but I have a feeling my lack of sleep and some other complications are still plaguing me. Do I still have a virus? Is itin fact still candida bugging me?

UGH

Anywho. I also need to get my body back to what it was. I used to be strong, have great endurance...now I feel like a huffer and puffer when I workout. It'll change. I'm determined.

Things WILL get better.

I need to post more poetry on here. I was on roll there :).

Peace out, world.

Candida Chronicles: Day 17ish

I can't believe I'm almost there. I'm actually not feeling a whole lot better, but I think I'm getting there? I think maybe whatever virus I have/had is still working on me or really just messed me up. I wonder if my Candida is actually acting up or not. I'm supposed to keep in touch with my Holistic practitioner, so we'll see what happens.

Christmas holidays are almost here!!! WOOT! lol.

There are MANY people I need to hang out with, lots of skating to do, lots of eating to do, baking, and maybe sleeping???